I wanted to fail?

 For those of you who don't know, I do ministry. I go out and talk to people and distribute literature. My least favorite part of it has been the fact that In my particular case it is mixed with a scholarship program thus making money involved. Its hard to ask for donations. But there is a reason for it and I wont get into that right now.

I wanted to share a difficult but revolutionary experience that happened to me recently:

The morning of this day was normal, getting up, trying to have devotions but fighting against my desire to sleep. Ate breakfast, tried to have devotions again. Struggled through prayer and read a little bit and felt a little more confident than usual that I was ready to go canvassing.

We had a bit of drive to territory and I decided to listen to a sermon. I like to listen to sermon because it gives me something fresh to share in conversation.

As we got close to the area we were going to canvass I started getting anxious, which was usual. We prayed and had our time exchanging prayer requests. Then drop off started.

I was thinking in my head:

"please drop me off last, or at least later, so I can prepare longer..."
"Maybe there isn't enough big businesses, so I will get something less stressful."
"Im not a high seller, they wont put me in the busy places."

Then I heard something that really surprised me, I was out next with two others, and I was supposed to do the store parking lot, indefinitely...

I was crushed.

I can't do it, was my first thought. Why would you put me there. I am not fast enough, or good enough. Its uncomfortable for me and it wont work.

So I got out, hazed through prayer and meandered into the parking lot...

I say a guy, and walked towards him, then he turned away from me and started putting something on his truck. I got scared, and didn't want to bother him and walked past thinking I will just catch him when he finishes.

I walked right past him, then past another person in there car, and another person... and another...

"This is not where I should be" I thought.

"I can't even talk to these people."

And down, down, down went my thoughts. I couldn't possibly do ministry here, people don't want to be bother by me.

Maybe I can pray about it.

"Lord?" I muttered.

Empty. My words were empty.

I didn't want to pray... This is just not where I should be.

I didn't want to do this parking lot. I didn't want to reach these people. This wasn't worth the effort to me it seemed.

"Why am I here. I cant do this simple thing as talking to people. I profess godliness but am unwilling to get out and face rejection. What kind of Christian am I?"

I decided to sit down under a tree, it was hot outside, sun shining all over. On the side of the parking lot I sat. After a while of thinking and pressing my soul for what was happening, I decided to go inside the building.

Walked over, passed more people, felt more terrible for passing them. Got inside, people passed me, I acted like I was normal, but my heart burned, I was so ashamed.

Went outside, and decided I was wasting time. At least my leader can put me in a easier place and I can do something. So I texted my leader and asked to be moved.

I waited... no response.

Went back to my tree and sat down...

"I fancy myself a missionary but I can't do this thing for others. Do I really love the Lord, do I love these people. why do I let them all go, I know I have what they need..."

"I am a hireling. What purpose do I even have in life if I can't face discomfort for Christ's sake."

I felt like Elijah, under the tree. And I did what Elijah did, I gave up.

I was useless, I had failed, what am I since I can't do this small thing.

My mind was rampant, I was spiraling into depression and I couldn't see any reason to move. My purpose in life was sharing this news and I couldn't seem to do it.

"God!? What do I do?"

My head physically began to ache, the pain was if I was going to die. I had lost life it seemed. Tears came, I was finished, as low as I could imagine myself.

Then, amazingly, amidst my flurried thoughts and despair came light in my darkness.

A quote, as if God was saying it to me:

"Often your mind may be clouded because of pain. Then do not try to think. You know that Jesus loves you. He understands your weakness. You may do His will by simply resting in His arms." MH 251.5

So I chose to stop. And imagined myself, not in a parking lot, sitting on a lamp post next to a tree, weeping in despair, but simply in the caring gentle arms of one who Loves me.

Immediately, nothing seemed to matter. my failures, my sorrow, my tears, these people, my canvassing directs, my books, my life.

I just rested, and as literal as the scripture says, peace that passed all understanding.

I simply existed in that moment.

My life was not over.

I will live for this Love.