(I want to add a little disclaimer here before a begin, If it hasn't been clear already, I recognize the great controversy of control in my life, and that being said, much of what I right is from the occurrences and battles of self vying for control.)
I have yet another conundrum of difficulty I have subjected myself to, I have found myself in this spiral of dispiritation multiple times this summer. And the following thoughts are the catalyst.
I have been fighting thoughts of worthlessness.
And before you even think it, I know, as a Christian I should remember what God thinks of me. But that's not my problem necessarily, I am supposed to be a preacher, I feel called to help others, yet I go out to do so, and fail, my time, energy and efforts feel so squandered and even feel as if they are being a negative. I have not seen hardly any accomplishment, spiritually or otherwise all summer and my focus has been to spread the Gospel by books and even that is dragging me down.
I am definitely afraid, afraid I am truly useless.
This all wouldn't be that much of a problem if it wasn't for sin in my life. I fail to stay on the narrow path almost everyday. Right now I don't even know what path I'm on.
(I wrote all that last night)
Now today, after some prayer and spiritual nourishment my mind is leveling out.
I have been feeling so negative and downtrodden about the trouble I've been going through.
Somehow I feel as if I should be getting worldly success and blessing as a child of God. But I am reminded of the beauty of steadfast principle in followers of God in the Bible.
Job undoubtedly faces some of the harshest circumstances. But I was curious to what he had that I didn't that drove him even through God approved suffering.
Amidst hurt, and immense anguish, his own wife, the woman supposedly supporting him and bringing him closer to God said "Do you hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!" Job 2:9 NKJV
And this is the principle and view point I am missing, and in missing this I am poisoned by my frustration and pride just as Job's wife.
Job's response (As if God was speaking to me) "You speak as a foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" Job 2:10 NKJV
There it is, I had thought of such an idea, but from scripture it is so plain.
I am exactly what the devil has a accused me of. A follower of God because the goodness of God to me, my motivations are wrong, Job had it right, there was a deeper meaning to why he served God. And God has a deeper plan than giving us prosperity.
In Job's life, God worked out the precious plan of redemption.
Our goal is not to find prosperity from Gods hand, our goal is not to live life comfortably, it is to become like Jesus.
And to do that, to become a child of God, accusation from Satan must be tested against us, and we must suffer.
Hebrews 12:11 Says "Now no chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless, afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." NKJV
Notice here is the equation for righteousness, painful chastening by God.
And the point is furthermore brought out in 1 Peter 5:11 "But may the God of all grace, who called is to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you." NKJV
Suffering is a necassary component and should be welcomed by the Christian.
We have ultimately been called the take the cross of suffering and adversity just as our God has. Not the "cross" of self seeking, searching for pleasure or idleness, just wait sloth fully for our Lords coming. If we aren't working for the Lord and sharing in his adversity and finding pleasure in the difficult per suit of righteousness by Gods chastening hand, we will be to brittle to stand when the time comes.
We are Gods treasure, just as a blacksmith shapes and forms his tools for usefulness we must submit to the fire, and hammering of God to be redeemed to our right place.
All in all, I'm still struggling, I'm still tempted to think I have failed, but the truth is, God won't break me through adversity, I will only be a useless broken tool, when I give up.
May God be with you, and shape you into his likeness.
Amen
