I want to share it, and some other things that I've been pondering, I'm sure there is someone that is at least a little curious to what occurred.
First off, I'm reliant on music much more than I had thought, I never knew how much I used it to escape. And side note, I listen to classical music, not hardcore stuff like I used to, but I've learned, I can abuse a good thing, and be intemperate. So I am glad for that knowledge.
Breaking away from checking my "online life" was nice. I didn't have some strange compelling force getting me to reclick my notifications. Kinda reminded me of how I would check the fridge for food when I was bored. I think being attached to attention via social media is a symptom of dissatisfaction in real life. I veg out and just stare at the screen, its a bit of plague for the mind I say. And I want to severely limit myself, even more than I do.
On a spiritual note, I have fought some hard fights, and lost many in last few weeks.
I've noticed how self-reliant I am, and how that can benefit and hurt me.
I really love and hate a truth I found not to long ago about falling, or giving in to temptation.
Its about free will, and how I used to blame things outside myself for my failure.
I want desperately, and with no lack of trying, to detour the fault of my failure to other things. Like my circumstances, other peoples influences, even things I saw while I was browsing the web.
I make it look like that image, or exposure forced me to have thoughts about things I didn't want to think about and it is why I fell later when opportunity arouse.
But Ive realized, I can't even blame the Devil for the evils I have done, because in the end I chose to do them.
This is about me:
You are continually finding fault with circumstances, which is nothing less than finding fault with providences. You are continually casting about for somebody or something to answer the place of a scapegoat, upon which you can lay the blame of having brought you into a position to feel and speak unworthy of a Christian. Instead of simply censuring yourself for your defects, you censure the circumstances and occasions which led you to develop the traits in your character which lie dormant or hid beneath the surface unless something arises to disturb and arouse them to life and action. Then they appear in all their deformity and strength 2T 371
Its pretty cercise on how I think sometimes.
But Its nice to know I am not the victim of Satan, but that I am in control.
I have to take responsibility for my sins. They are mine.
Fully, completely mine, I chose to rebel, and I chose to lust, or be prideful, or to covet. I chose not to look to Jesus in the time of peace.
In all my failures, all my evil, and perversion. One watches me, with pity, and love.
He waiting, just waiting, staying near, having sorrow fill his heart as I slowly creep into death.
Then I commit death, WILLINGLY.
And feel the guilt, feel the departure of peace.
And I can't see by darkness, but I put out my hand for help.
And Immediately, every time! my Lover is there. Hurt, but helping anyways.
Ready to forgive, and give again.
This vicious cycle is slowing down, and I see, progress.
Pray for me.
{post edit}
Oh, after looking this over that seemed like a dreary end.
So I want yall to pray for me because I really need it, I want to stay connected.
Thats what we need most. Connection with Christ.
Blessings!
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