The strange circumstances that stem from such events, like a new life be born, or my lack of sleep, or my excitement for the environmental change from my home to the canvassing work, have spurred this little thought blending post I'm currently typing.
These past two weeks have been exactly about what I hoped they wouldn't be.
On the outside, its been a grand ole time. I got to preach, a wonderful God given message this past Sabbath. I learned so much about God through watching sermons. Even did some climbing and exploring with a friend, had some mini adventures.
On the inside, Its been a power struggle. The fear I had expressed about my going home has definitely rooted itself. I've faced and failed so much spiritual warfare these past weeks, and sunk so low. Even at the point of wanting to forsake everything God had for me, even now I feel as if my failures have somehow made me unworthy of all the blessing I see God wants to bestow upon me in the future.
So many things plaguing me. The thoughts of unworthiness, the contemplations of turning my back, giving up. My biggest struggle revolves around my self worth. On one hand, I am prideful, I am confident in somethings, and beat myself up because I know I shouldn't be so proud. And on the other I see certain people, as so much better than me, and me like some sort of annoyance or disease on others, thinking to myself, certain people would be better having not ever known me. But again I know to that I am not that worthless Im worth something. at least I think I am... Right?
But I know were all this difficulty and insecurity comes from. I've been in spiritual darkness, which carries over to darken many other aspects of life.
I need more light.
And I praise GOD! because just like the crazed demon possessed men off the shores of Galilee, I too see the Savior. I will be saved from this pit of despair, and have been thankfully provided with away to share sufferings and true life with Jesus through sharing on Gospel during canvassing.
I cant wait to start. Canvassing is a life giving experience. I have been starving of life because I have not been giving life to others.
Without giving, there is no love, and no love means, no life, and death will seem preferable to life.
So I hope, that if you reading this feel a deadness in yourself, start giving, and shine light in your darkness.
Disclaimer: If that made any sense, praise the Lord. Like usual I am not rereading this post, so I hope its not confusing, cause Its late, and my head is throwing a bunch of stuff around.
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